surrender

I have often wondered at the apparent lack of drama in my life these past few years.

I certainly have had more than my fair share of hardship in my life. But these past few years everything has been going quite well.

This year however has presented some interesting challenges. Challenges that have tested me in all manner of ways and that have had me gathering resources to battle the perceived threats. It has been very stressful. I have been pushed to anger that I haven’t felt in years.

I have been pushing and pulling, trying to manipulate the environment in an effort to make things better so it all won’t hurt so much.

Integrity and honesty are two of my most highly held values. But in a sometimes hostile world, these values are quiet achievers that are only realised long after all the shouting and ruckous is over.

It needed to come to a point where I felt helpless, powerless and inadequate.

It would be nice to hand it all over to someone or something bigger than me, and have it all fixed. But it’s not that easy. Things take time, there is no fast forward button.

Today, I am comforted by these words…

“You are requested to die a symbolic death, to surrender your limiting beliefs. Symbolic death unveils the self by cutting away the outgrown parts of yourself that no longer serve you.”

 

Source: http://www.astrodreamadvisor.com/Pages/white_res_wizard.html

Surrender.

It sucks.

Surrender.

I’m tired of fighting.

Surrender.

I’m not hung up on getting a just outcome, history is full of injustice, and over issues bigger than the ones I’m dealing with.

Though I am tired of having to bring these issues to light in the first place.

Surrender.

I say it over and over again – “surrender”.

And as I do so I think of my death, it feels heavy but peaceful. My thoughts span to placing trust in the universe that I will be placed in the right place at the right time, and it will be all right.

Tears. Crying is healing.

Years ago when I studied art therapy one of the exercises we had to do was to create a coffin for someone or something that we were mourning over. I placed things into the coffin that represented a person whose death had profoundly affected me. An Aboriginal woman with six young children, who held on for as long as she could for the sake of her children. After her death, the children were split into six different homes with previously estranged relatives and fathers. It was not the way she wanted it to happen.

If I made a coffin for my symbolic death, what would I place inside?

My anger and frustration. My need for others to take the high ground – to be honest and to act with integrity. The exhaustion. The need for adults to see what they do to children with their misplaced thoughts and deeds.  The feeling that I’m doing it all on my own – loneliness and isolation.

I strip away the layers until the only thing that is left is my heart. Red, soft, and warm. Beating.

In the darkness, there is just the sound – boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. Sometimes weak, sometimes strong.

Surrendered.

“In such death, ego structures fall away to reveal the garden of the true self. Surrender enlivens and empowers you to experience more of life’s fullness. Let go and be. It represents the death of outgrown parts of the small self, which can be used as fodder or fuel for the regeneration into a more expanded self. The energy that is generated from the transformation of these parts creates a refinement of your spirit. Also, by burning off the dross of the small self, a vacuum is created, drawing new people, ideas, and directions into your life. In the past, an old behaviour or belief system may have created a way for you to temporarily feel better about yourself by supporting your ego structure. As that ego structure is burned off, you create a pathway for Spirit to fully satisfy the same needs.  Accept the truth of your present situation. Through accepting what is, you are free to go forward. Change and growth become easier and more natural. Each experience in this enlivened state of surrender allows for more joy.”  

 

Source: http://www.astrodreamadvisor.com/Pages/white_res_wizard.html